http://abclocal.go.com/kfsn/video?id=7636839
After such a pointless tragedy there is not much else to say that has not already been said. Strangely, my thoughts do not turn to dwell on how sick and wrong someone must be to kill a good man that they do not know. I am not thinking on passing my own judgment, nor am I thinking of forgiveness, regret, or anger. I am thinking about how what happened was a grievous and unnecessary crime, but no manner of judgment or emotions which I can express can match what the family must be feeling. What happened was a horrible loss and cause for great grief and despair and there is nothing that man can do which will return what was taken from this poor family. After all is said and done my thoughts rest upon this final though: no matter what happens, no matter how evil or misguided humans can show themselves to be, the gospel is still true and God still Lives.
So I randomly came across a song called "Journey to the End of My Life" by Allstar Weekend as I was searching for new music on playlist.com. It's pretty catchy and I think if you just want something to dance around to it's suitable, but then I started listening to the words. I think it is a song that plenty of people probably connect with but I found that the lyrics are somewhat different than what I want for myself. It talks about a kid who goes through their daily routines and thinks each night about what their life's purpose is. The narrator says "I wanna take a journey to the end of my life 'cuz I just wanna see what it's like" and "Do I turn out alright?" The song poses many questions and then states, "I don't wanna be surprised."
I don't wonder how I'm going to turn out. I decide who I want to be and I tell myself to get there. I will become who I need to be. I don't really care if I'm rich or poor or what's going on in the future, it will be there regardless of whether or not I see it. All you can really do is work hard to become who you need to be and for the causes you care about. I don't want to waste time worrying about what the future will be, I just do what I want to do and what I think is right. I waste too much time thinking about the past, the present, and what choices I should make in the here and now to be without worrying about what the world is going to be. Don't get me wrong, the future and doing what we can to mold it into something usable and special is important, but I'm not going to question how it's going to be, I'm going to make it happen. This isn't even about just having everything I want in life, like kids, jobs, cars, etc., it's about becoming what I want to be in life knowing that all else will fall into place.
I probably won't add this song to my playlist, but maybe someone else will relate. However, their song "Dance Forever" made it. I can hardly resist songs about dancing. They just energize me! I'm too serious, so I need all the help I can get to handle everyday life. :)
Zach & I are currently participating in an utterly hilarious production of Pirates of Penzance. To help out a bit I volunteered to go through the ampitheater after each show and pick up any trash leftover. Now, my overall faith in humanity has beem generally restored because of the fact that I've picked up less than 10 pieces of trash during the show's run. Wahoo! It's been a blast because our theatre friends are like family, and we get to work together with them on a regular basis because of the show. The only bummer is Zach's silly work schedule, so we never get to hang out after shows.
(This post is short and kinda lame because It was a saved draft from 7/20/2010 and I have NO clue what else I wanted to say. Today is really 2/08/2011. The post has a positive outlook on the world so I'm posting it to prove that I am, in fact, perodically optimistic. ^_~)
There's probably something to be said for not looking back. I'm one of those people who finds it easy to dwell on the past and I'm constantly reminding myself that it's over and done with. There is nothing wrong with having a little self-reflection, but come on, do I really need to be afraid or feel guilty about everything? For example, I shouldn't feel the need to worry about the 5 out of 11 couples that we didn't interview for the Community Aide position in my housing complex. They didn't stand out and it's not my fault. We simply don't have time to interview 11 couples, though they may be good, capable people. Part of standing out is knowing how to present yourself. If you can't sell yourself on paper then you may not be as well-rounded as the next candidate who can sell on paper as well as in person. I shouldn't worry about the imperfect things I've done in the past, the people that I may have wronged or offended, and other things I can't fix (face it, My Name is not Earl). I begin wallowing in my imperfections and dwelling on the things I lack, then I get depressed, then I continue to screw up and do more imperfect things--the vicious cycle continues.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to move on. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm not showing any improvement to my personality. I think too much about what is wrong with me and not about what is or could be right with me. It's time to just start doing. I'm sure I say this all the time, but I'm one of those people who needs to re-commit myself to my causes rather frequently. If I don't I just can't keep up with who I need to be. Even then I struggle, but I'll keep telling myself as many times as I need to--get up and do what you need to! A lot of people have problems with being impulsive. As a teenager I'm sure I did things that were impulsive, most of us were probably that way at one point or another... but I was committed to even those endeavors which I made last minute, passionate decisions regarding. I did very little haphazardly, not expecting it to affect the rest of my month, my year, my life... Now I just don't move! I do too much thinking, far more than I use to, and it hasn't benefited me at all!!! "Make wise decisions," "Don't be Sorry, be Responsible," and "Be careful what you wish for..." These are phrases that we hear all the time and I can't somehow wonder if they really aren't meant for me. The more I try to make wise, thorough decisions the less I become, the less I move. What would have happened if I'd believed I could be an opera singer or a ballerina when I was younger and didn't care if I would make money at it? What would have happened if I'd believed in myself instead of wondering what I could do within the parameters that the world and my family had set for me? Nobody will ever know, but if I don't stop thinking about the past and worrying less about the future I might still have a chance to find out. It's time to embrace who I am and start living more in the here and now!
I guess this means I'll be taking some risks from here on out. I mean, if Zach & I want to have a family anytime soon I've got to stop being afraid. If I want to perform I've got to start working hard now and forget my age, forget my failures, move beyond my inabilities, and put myself out there. If I want to be better at my job and have the potential to move up and on then I've got to get my silly desk cleaned off right now! If I want my home to be a safe haven for myself and others I've got to.. well, hire a maid, I guess ^_~! Hey, we've all got to start somewhere.
Today's goal: Clear off the top of my desk! This includes: Census/Walk-through compilation and recording, Final review of CA Weekly Reports, Newsletter, and Filing those Timecard sheets. Guess what?! It's doable! Consider my task complete.
After having called my dog (2 years old in August) a puppy for the past year, I have decided on a new definition for puppy dog. Puppy Dog: [puhp-ee] [dawg, dog] noun: A dog that is technically a dog but is too cute and little to be called a dog. In a sentence: Puppy Dogs are cute. How much is the puppy dog in the window? *woof woof* Tobey is a puppy dog.
Some people are willing to die for their beliefs. I am willing to live for mine. What brought this thought to the surface of my mind? The word Kamikaze. There are extremists in every nation, religion, and political way of thinking and many people feel that the nobler path requires the willing sacrifice of their life, to always be prepared to die for their cause. While this may indeed be noble, the path I choose is to live.
Living can be a struggle. Sometimes it can be scary to stand for what you believe in or do what you know is right. BUT the question I pose is this: If I die for my cause, who will be left to stand for what I believe? If all who share my cause do the same, who will fight for what I know is right? There will be nobody left if we all believe the best path is to die for our cause. While I won't say that it is wrong to die for what one believes I feel it is worthwhile to go beyond dying for your cause. I won't say that a death for one's cause contains no meaning, for that would make the sacrifice in vain, but to live is to continue to grow, to teach, and to share what you believe. Not all men are required to sacrifice their lives. There are other sacrifices to be made. Sometimes Life is the harder choice.
It is interesting to me that service just for the sake of being kind is a rare concept nowadays. We have what I like to call "Free Bread Day" at work. Free Bread Day is a day during the week where a man gets all of the bread from a local grocery store that is still good but cannot be sold and brings it to my office for the tenants that live in the housing complex where I work at. A young woman came into the office today asking about the bread that was on the table just outside and we told her that it was free and she asked why. We explained there was a man who brought the bread everyday and again she questioned why. He doesn't get paid yet he does this every week, just as a man before him did. If he cannot come his wife brings the bread. When she realized that this was a regular occurrence and that bread was brought just because of a kind man a broad smile appeared on her face and she commented on how wonderful it was.
Service for the sake of service, just to be kind and to show love to others. I want my family and friends to be able to experience this through me, and not to question the motives of kindness. As Disney sponsors "Give a Day. Get a Disney Day." I feel even more strongly about this. In some small way I feel like it's not the same service as it would otherwise be. It feels like people are just getting paid to do service which, to me, seems almost like it is not quite service any longer.
Don't get me wrong, I think this exchange is doing and is going to do some great things for the communities in which we live. I do not think Disney should cease their sponsorship of this program. However, I feel sad about the state of the nation when people as a whole need such large motivation to give back just one day to their community. I am not saying that they people who are participating in this program are wrong in doing so or that many are not already people who give back so much to their communities just because they love those around them. I myself would consider participating in this program for its benefits. I am simply saying that I want to show those around me that people that I can be one of those that gives back, or even just gives, because I care and expect nothing in return.
In order to demonstrate that I value service just to serve I in need to be the kind of person who gives expecting nothing. It is a lot to ask of a person, to give and expect nothing. Expecting nothing is more than just not wanting anything in return, it is not expecting someone else to be nice just because you were. It is not expecting someone to change, to stop being mean to you or cruel to others because were kind to them. In my mind, expecting nothing involves hoping that your influence will make a difference in the lives of others but not regretting the service rendered if others do not recognize that difference or change because of that difference. (I would just like to point out the importance of hope. Hope is SO important and it keeps us going when people don't change or we cannot see the difference we have made.)
I believe that sometimes it is ok to perform a function and expect a certain result. For example, a person goes to work expecting that they will receive compensation. I create a monthly newsletter at work expecting people to read and remember the information found within. Companies send invoices to their customers expecting those bills will be paid. I simply want people around me to live in a world where the type of service which I have spoken of is not a rarity and is not a surprise. I want it to be something that they know is real and not just a figment of an idealist mind. I guess I have a lot of changing to do. I am done waiting on the world to change.
