I have had a very good bad morning. I left home this morning and remembered my lunch, and my wonderful hubby made me breakfast! I almost never eat breakfast and when I do it's usually too late in the morning that it spoils my lunch, because I'm not hungry when it's time to eat again. I left the house in time to get to work before 8 a.m. and open the office and have everything organized, and the drive over wasn't too bad... until I got to BYU. It was still pretty dark and there were a lot of bicyclists about. The thing with many bicyclists in Provo is that they think they are pedestrians and cars. They think they can drive about like a car but not have to give cars the right of way when it is not safe for them to go, or look where they are going whether or not they have the right of way. It is because of this that my morning went temporarily bad. A guy on a bike signaled and jumped out in front of my car, so I lightly beeped the horn at him. I would like to take the time to point out that I did NOT lay on the horn and that I made the conscious decision not to do so because I think that makes people jumpy and the situation becomes worse. I just wanted him to be aware that he did something that was unsafe for himself and others, because he obviously didn't realize that fact. I ALMOST HIT HIM. He had on a black sweatshirt (in the dark) and was nearly completely covered and had dark hair, and he was biking sans the required head and tail lights. He then proceeded to continuously give me the dirtiest, most incredulous look anyone has ever given me. After I pulled up to the red light (where he had gotten in the turn lane after crossing two lanes of traffic from the bike lane without pause) he was STILL giving me a dirty look. (Can I just say that, if he was going to stop at the red light anyway, he could have used the crosswalk and crossed without having to endanger himself or myself and the other cars that were behind me as I had to hit my brakes suddenly OR the cars in the lane next to me that couldn't see him either except I honked my horn and hit my brakes?) I then did something I have NEVER done, simply because he was still giving me that dirty look. I rolled down my window and (I'm not sure who opened their mouth first, maybe him, maybe me--) and I yelled so he could hear me, "I didn't see you! You can't jump out in front of traffic like that!" His response? "I signaled". (SO glad his face didn't freeze that way. He'd get shot by a gangster who thought he was giving that dirty look to him on purpose, or never get hired in the future because the employer would think that customers might be detoured from their business by his surly nature.) I rolled down my window and (I'm not sure who opened their mouth first, maybe him, maybe me--) and I yelled so he could hear me, "I didn't see you! You can't jump out in front of traffic like that! I didn't know what you were going to do!" His response? "I signaled!." His response when I said, "But you signaled when you were already in the lane!"? "That's why I signaled!" My final response to the non-receptive was, "Whatever" and rolling up the window. No point in wasting any additional breath.
Firstly, I really am glad he signaled because many people do not. HOWEVER, if I can't see a person then the signal doesn't really count, does it? If I am driving and I flip on my signal but the actual signal light is broken I'm still going to get a fix-it ticket, at least. Why? Because the people around me can't tell that I have just signaled. To them, I am just another car staying in one lane. If it is dark outside, I am wearing black, have NO lights on my vehicle, I stick my arm out (covered in black) to signal, I don't wait for a car to moderately halt its progression (a.k.a. show some hint that they've registered my presence in their consciousness), and THEN they hit me, did the signal count? Obviously it had no effect. Yeah, I'd be dead and that would be my consequence, but I would also be at fault for something else. The person who was careful and made an effort to make a safety bubble around them would STILL have killed me, and I would be responsible for them having to have the guilt of my death on their conscience, even though they had done everything in their power to be safe.
Let me just throw the question out there: Is it really that hard to be somewhat safe, to be courteous? If you care about the sanctity of life, you just don't do stuff like that. You don't put yourself at risk and you actually CARE that you could destroy the life of someone else by putting your life at risk. I know there are situations where things happen whether we want them to or not, but if you are intelligent enough to get into BYU, shouldn't you be intelligent to realize that biking in front of a car in the dark when you're wearing dark colors is not a safe practice and might frustrate others? Wouldn't you have more guilt than judgement when you did something to put others at risk?
I actually don't feel wrong in honking because I feel I did it to prevent accidents in the future and prevent current accidents involving the bicyclist and the cars behind me. I probably shouldn't have wasted the time or breath trying to explain why I was frustrated to someone who I could tell would most likely not be receptive. If I could go back I would probably freeze time except for us and calmly explain from a distance why I was upset. At least I wouldn't have yelled. The only guilt I have is for yelling, and possibly causing a disruption to the serenity some of the other drivers might have been experiencing. Not likely in Utah traffic, but still possible. SOME people are more enlightened than others. I cannot claim to be one of those individuals.
After I got to work, I took some time to gather myself. I was EXTREMELY furious at the situation that I could have been placed in. Furious, frustrated, angry... But I decided I'd calm down and then get on with my day. There is NO reason that I have to let someone else ruin my day. I used to be able to get over things really easily. I suppose I'm just becoming more stubborn and less flexible in my "old age" :-=. I'll get back there, though, because I've decided I will. I'm happy to report that my day has been great, aside from that incident. No more rolling down my windows to yell, though. You never know, the next time it could be someone scary with a gun. I definitely DON'T want that.
One last note, kind of amusing to think about for me: I wonder what that guy has been saying about me all day. I'm sure he got where he was going and spouted off a bit, as well. I don't suppose that he's gotten over it, considering the evil look he gave me and the length of time he gave it. Oh, well. Let him ruin his own day. I hope, though, that he'll get over it and maybe figure out why I did what I did. I mean, I wasn't trying to be a jerk, I wasn't being power hungry, and it wasn't because I was in a hurry. I just wanted to be safe.
...to get more joy out of life. I just don't have enough fun, or savor traditions, or get excited about Autumn because it means turkeys and colored leaves, or Christmas because it means tradiditions and family and gingerbread men. Seasons, Holidays, Milestones... they don't have meaning. I didn't have set traditions growing up. Yeah, I had turkey somewhere every Thanksgiving, but aside from that nothing. There's nothing special there. I'm sick of disorder because all it means is that I focus on a mess, focus on cleaning, focus on muddling through it. I'm sick of drowning. I want more! I just want to live.
I thought for a second there that I went through April without posting once! How dumb that would have been. There is SO much going on all around me, and yet I don't take the time to record what is happening or what I'm feeling. How am I supposed to remember things when I'm old and grey if I don't write it down?! How silly of me.
Let's just re-cap for last month through today, a REALLY quick re-cap. SO, Zach & I auditioned for West Side Story at the SCERA. I actually felt pretty decent about it (however, not GREAT), but we didn't even get callbacks! Oh, well. I kind of expected that. I'm female and I'm in Utah, so it's not a big surprise that there's big competition. It's okay, though, 'cuz life is to crazy right now to have done a show! I mean, I definitely would have made time, but now I don't have to...
What else from last month... well, there's not much to tell. Finished the semester, got decent grades, better than what I deserved, but not as good as they SHOULD have been. It was a BLAST! I loved this semester! I actually improved upon my body and my abilities, and I can't say I've improved much lately. I have done okay with upkeep, but that's not enough. I want to do more, to be better and stronger.... and now I am! Most of it was just because I had 3 dance classes and practiced so much extra during the semester, but a major contributing factor was the Conditioning & Injury Prevention class that I took. I now understand how to improve upon myself safely, as well as having an understanding of how much work it actually takes to do more than maintain. It's not as hard as it could be, but it's more than they always tell you on television. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to take that class!
The COOLEST THING that's happened so far this month is... Zach & I bought a house, our very first home, and we closed on it at the end of April! We finally got our keys Saturday, May 2nd, almost 24 hours after we were supposed to move in. We've been fairly busy, so we haven't had time to do all the painting and moving that we've wanted to, but we've made fairly steady progress. We've obtained most of the paint that we'll need, and Zach has gotten some painting done in ONE room. We've decided to finish that room later and begin moving stuff into it. We're just too busy to be super detail oriented, and we need to have living space! I've done most of the putting away/organizing of stuff so far. Zach's parents will be in sometime today, so hopefully we'll have more done before they get in. I DO need to say that I am SO GRATEFUL for the wonderful friends that Zach & I met through the Center Street Musical Theatre! We finally got our keys and it was POURING! The Elder's Quorum in our ward was supposed to come help us move but NOBODY showed up. One guy called and told us something had come up, so we expected that, but there were still supposed to be 3 or 4 other men coming to help. Thank goodness for our theatre "Elder's Quorum"! Matt, Tyler, Erin... Also our awesome once-neighbors Aly & Spencer helped us soo much! They helped us finish packing, helped us load and unload our vehicles... It took most of the day! We also had Jaren & Kristin stop by our new home. They brought us yummy chocolate chip cookies! That's the first time anyone's ever greeted us at a new place and brought us treats... or anything! From this experience I have gained three main things, aside from my very own home: 1) That Zach & I have some of the most wonderful friends ever! I know there were people who would have been there if they had not already left for the Summer, or hadn't already planned events of their own, and I am grateful for them, also, because I know that they were willing to help. 2) That I ALWAYS want to make sure that when I say I'll help someone, that I do it. I need to improve my turn-around speed and my follow-up for situations that I deal with. I don't want people to feel that they are alone, or to be stressed. I may unknowingly be the only person that can help that person or group. I can't imagine where we'd be in our move if our friends hadn't shown up.. & 3) I think it would be awesome to be the "welcome wagon" for people! I want people to know that they are welcome where they are at, and for them to know what kind of people we are by the friendship that we extend. I know what it's like to be somewhere and feel completely alone. It's difficult to make friends and to feel comfortable in a new situation. I want to to be easier for the people that I come in contact with than it has been for me. Why am I so blasted shy??!
ANOTHER cool thing that we just found out is that our friends from back home, Drew & Kristin, who moved to Utah just a few weeks apart from us may move into a house about a block away from us! They've put a bid on a home, and it sounds promising! that would be so wonderful! The four of us all have crazy schedules, but it would be so much easier to maintain a friendship when only a block apart, and both in our own homes. The fun thing is that the house they're moving into is one that we saw online right after we put the offer in on our home, and that we were interested in if somehow ours fell through. I'm glad we didn't get it, so that they have the opportunity to! AND it would give us a chance to help them move (and still be convenient). If they get this house, we may have our car trailer by the time they need to move, so we'd be able to help by loading up our truck and trailer, and hopefully save them some money! Don't get me wrong, we'd be willing to help them even if they don't get this particular house, but it would be easier for US if they move into this one. I know, I'm strange. Oh, well. :)
Did I mention I hate moving? I like to help other people move, but I don't like to move myself. We got most of our stuff moved out on Saturday, but we still had a TON of stuff left that we had to go back and get the next 2-3 days following the move. After all of that hassle, our VW & Rebel are still at the other place, because we haven't been able to move them out yet. However, as far as we know, there is nobody yet moving into the place, so it should be okay. We left a note that we will be getting them soon, so hopefully everything stays put until we get to it!
Aside from that, not much else is going on...I'm taking Dance 280 over again so that I can work on technique. My shoes finally just don't make the cut anymore, so I went and bought my FIRST pair of ballroom shoes! I bought latin sandals and heel guards, and even with the group discount it ran me a total of like $125!!! I have NEVER paid that much for a pair of shoes in my life, and aside from dance shoes I never will again... but they are comfy! I could have bought cheaper ones, but I was told that they would fall apart. The other ones that I could have bought hurt. But you know what? My technique was so much better in class yesterday! It is easier to place my feet properly, I'm not slipping all over the place, and the higher heel makes it so I don't have to dance on my toes as much, making it easier for me to remember to get my heel all the way to the ground during cha-cha & triple swing. I'd like to have some standard ballroom shoes, but I'm just not willing to pay for them right now... but the Latin Sandals were SO worth the money! It is worth it to have a pair of shoes that fits properly and makes me look good on the side. I do have to mention that it is not an imagined improvement just because I spent the money. I have noticed that, with dancewear, the pricing usually is representative of quality. You can always price shop, but if you go to a dance store and the price ratio is that one costs more than the other, then the more expensive one is USUALLY better quality. ALSO, I watch myself in the mirror frequently as I try to improve my technique. I really do look better and feel better. The shoes hold my feet properly for the style and they allow for more precise movement. I'm so excited that I will be able to continue to improve, and have fun in my class, now that I've already learned the steps. West Coast Swing is still a struggle, though. Better shoes aren't going to change that.
I almost forgot: the store I went to here in Provo was kind of small but they had a pretty good selection of items. I can't close without talking about my shoe buying experience. I'd like go give a quick ShoUt oUT to: Dance Works, located at 3228 North University Avenue, Provo, UT 84604. I will start with the fact that all I knew was that I wanted a latin sandal. I didn't know how it was supposed to fit for sure, what shoe to look for, what size I was for the brands available, what would be comfortable, or anything. I didn't get halfway into the store before an employee asked me if I needed help. I told her I had no idea what I wanted and she took me to where the shoes were. She told me which ones in the price range I was looking for were going to fall apart, which were comfortable, how it should fit. She went back and forth until we found the right size and stayed with me until I had made my decision. She didn't try to sell me anything extra or attempt to get me to buy a more expensive shoe. She was pleasant, helpful, and answered all of my questions. I would recommend this store to others because of it's good customer service. Also, she gave me the group discount, which took several dollars off of the price for my already expensive shoes. Despite the high cost, they were reasonably priced. To get the shoe online from the company website and add shipping would have been about $1-2 more than I actually paid for my pair. There are cheaper prices online without shipping costs, but that is only useful now that I know what my size is and what I like. Aside from the shoes, the store itself seemed fairly reasonably priced, though I think some of the tights may have been a bit high. The store was also easy to locate. Well, that's all for now!
I want to have more memories! I've gone through my life taking so few pictures and writing so few journal entries! I want to do things with with friends and be creative and cook cool things and take fun pictures of them. I want to take pictures while explore slot canyons, rain forests, parks, lakes, mountains, and meadows and go on dates with my hubby to cool eclectic restaurants, theme parks, and other places, and take pictures of those, too! I love when friends post pictures on Facebook of them doing cool things when they were kids, or before they were married, or before I knew them. I want fun pictures and memories! I don't have a lot of kid pictures or pictures with girlfriends or fun vacations. I'm sure they're around somewhere, I hope, but I don't have them. What a lame life with no documented memories! I've got a camera, time to learn how to use it! Right now it's covered in colored powder from the Festival of Colors a few weeks back, so I need to get it cleaned so that I can use it again. I frustrate myself with my lameness sometimes :P.
I have absolutely NO idea what I want to be when I grow up! I am 24 and I don't know what to do with myself. I always knew I wanted to get a college degree, get married, have children... Now I'm 24 with only an Associate's Degree, and I am married. I have a job that pays what some people make after completion of a Bachelor's Degree (I'm not talking Nursing, guys, I'm talking, like... Youth Leadership/Recreation Management stuff), so I suppose that's a positive thing... So I'm still working on the children thing and going to college. And what, you ask, is my major? What exactly, you say, am I working towards? Well, I'm listed as a Communication Disorders major, which is a degree to a degree. I don't want to get stuck here. None of the major's courses are available during the evening, which is when I need to take most of my classes. I have too many things that I want to do with myself, I just can't decide. I have no skills that I would say I am far better at than the others, so I don't have an easy choice. I'm either decent at all things or mediocre at all things, however one chooses to look at it... But I still don't know what to do with myself. I want to sing and dance, improve myself and others, know how to care for my community and keep people safe, and inspire those around me in so many ways... But that doesn't help me know what to do. List of Majors I'm pondering:
*Dance/Dance Ed.
*Public Health (Environmental/Occupational Health Track & Health Promotion being my top 2:4 tracks)
Exercise Science
*Exercise and Wellness
Athletic Training
Still kinda toying with Vocal Performance/Music Ed. and thinking a bit about Nursing...
Did I mention Facility & Property Management, Business Management, MDT, Accounting....?
There are so many things I want to do I can't even pick my top 5!!! What's wrong with me? I'm about a quarter of the way through my life and I don't know where I'm headed?! I can't even decide what to take next semester!!! ARGH! I should be a pirate instead. I wish someone could just look at me and tell me what to do with myself. Then again, that would be rather like some communist country where they tell people they are allowed to dance based on the size of their foot when they're a child, or made to be a laboror just because. Maybe the people in those countries dig that, but as much as I can't make up my mind I don't want our country to be like that. So many people would never have become what they have if that had been the case, inspired so many, or done such great things.
I was able to attend the Festival of Colors in Spanish Fork this weekend. It was a blast! I was there with Danica, Tyler, Genevieve, Amber, Vivi, Daniel, Emily & Husby. The Festival was held at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple. The temple was beautiful, and there was an animal farm, which is very cool. I love having the opportunity to learn about other cultures! Some of the main points of the celebration are: Friendship, The end of Winter and welcoming of Spring, and the legend of the miraculous burning of the demon king's sister, Holiku, and the life of his son who showed devotion to 'God' (instead of himself, the demon king) and was not burned in that same fire. I enjoyed being able to see the dancing, as I haven't had the chance to experience that before. The clothing that was worn was so beautiful, vibrant, colorful, and flowing!
It is a great thing when people are allowed to participate in celebrations that are sacred to another culture. The event was celebrated with dancing, music, and the lighting of a fire signaling that the throwing of colors would begin. Amongst all of the joviality, there were two things that bothered me: 1) People began throwing colors before the fire was lit. Now this wasn't the part that bothered me, but my next sentence will explain what did: The announcer announced into the microphone numberous times that it was not yet time for the throwing of the colors. Immediately after each announcement, people would throw their colors into the air. It bothered me because the Festival is an important cultural celebration, and people were not being respectful of that. I hope that it was because they were incapable of hearing the announcer requesting that they not throw colors until ready. 2) People kept dumping their trash onto the ground. There was a LOT of trash. Now, I do realize that there were not a lot of garbage receptacles, but we were still at a temple. It was not our temple, but it was still a temple. It's understandable, maybe, to accidentally lose a bag of trash in the craziness, but there should not be a pile of like 20 bags being trampled in the middle of a field. I don't know all of the circumstances in which some of the things which bothered me occurred, but it is a reminder for me to teach my children respect for other cultures, as well as the property of others. It is also a reminder to me to be more mindful of the things which I do which could harm others, or show disrespect. This has nothing to do with being a people-pleaser. It is ALL about respect.
The two things that annoyed me did not lessen the overall enjoyment I felt in participating in the Festival. After our Zach & I parted ways with our friends we went to the Indian Buffet on University Avenue. I think I (well, I know) I enjoyed it more than Zach. I'd never had Indian food before. It wasn't as spicy as I thought it would be, but I avoided the one or two things that I knew would be too spicy for me! I had two yummy plates of food. I would eat it again, but I think I would need to find someone to come with me that wasn't Zach who would enjoy it more. [I love my hubby, but we've already discussed this situation :) ]
Anyhow, I will post some pictures now, and more later... once I download them onto the computer.
This is the URL to Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple which talks about the festival: http://www.utahkrishnas.com/main/page.asp?id=1332
And the URL to the Daily Universe Article abou the festival:
http://newnewsnet.byu.edu/story.cfm/71982
...life just seems to run away with me. (**Warning: The following is all just babbled helter-skelter onto the page. I'm probably not going to go back and read it or edit it, so it may make NO SENSE. You are now officially forewarned.) I never seem to do all of the things I want to do, or be who I should be. I think the thing I tend to forget the most is that people matter. It's not that I think they're unimportant, but I don't always remember them when I should. I am NOT the best friend in the world. I never have been and probably never will, but I hope there's something I can do to at least become better at it. I don't have a lot of time to spend doing things, and that's hard. For most people that is the thing that shows them the most that someone cares--time, hanging out, etc. I don't know how to effectively participate in the lives of those I care for. Heaven knows Facebook has helped me with that--it tells us when birthdays are happening, notifies us of someone's status change (if someone's willing to share how they are enough that they put it on Facebook in the first place), helps us know more about each other... But it's not enough. I need more, and I know others do, too.
I feel like I have not done a very good job in the past of showing or telling people how much I appreciate them, the things they do for me, or the things they let me do for myself. Am I so lame that I am going to have to set a goal, "Every 1st & 3rd Monday, message someone on your Friend's List that you haven't contacted in a while."?? I don't know what my problem is! Part of it all comes back to the fact that I don't know in the moment that I'm doing something that sucks, saying something offensive, missing time with those that I love... The list goes on. I worry about still being like this when the time comes to have children. I don't want to be one of those parents that always has something more important, or has their priorities skewed. God & making sure you are healthy and joyful aside, the people in your life are the most important things in your life!!!
I don't know what I'll do if the time ever comes that I feel I have to work and miss seeing my family because I think I have to do it to support them. I have NEVER been good at balance in my life, whether it be school vs. work vs. church or even something as basic as eating vs. sleep vs. exercise. Something always ends up having to give. You could probably ask anyone that I've ever known or cared for and they could tell you how screwed up I can be sometimes. I've got to find a way to fix this.
Sometimes I HATE re-evaluating myself because it can be supremely disheartening to remind myself just how much I fall short of being all the things I want to be and that others need me to be. I am that person who needs a reminder that I'm not as far as I think I am. Why should I even need that stupid reminder? I feel like I should just be all the things I want because I've told myself that is the way I should be. It shouldn't be that hard to fix things. Mind over matter, tell yourself and it is. It has worked for some things in my life, why not all? I didn't want to be ticklish and I told myself not to be. For the most part it has worked. Why isn't everything else this easy? Why can't I just say I'll do something and get it done? It's part of being an adult, right? It shouldn't be that difficult... I just want to quit work and school and just focus on the relationships that mean the most, so I don't screw up any more...sometimes. But those are two of the things that help me be the most fulfilled... I'll figure it out eventually... Right? I hope..
At work today I was reminded just how rich a heritage I am part of as a member of the Brigham Young University staff. In the basements of South Wymount we found a large quantity of church materials--photos, flannel boards, music tapes and filmstrips, OLD ward scrapbooks, and ward ledgers.. As I was flipping through the ledger trying to see if there are any names of people I might be related to I randomly turned to a page of historical events from 1975. In the section for May it says, "Y Day activities were extremely impressive this year. It started off with a wonderful breakfast held in the quad, to which we were awaken[ed] by the sound of a trumpet. After eating our fill of pancakes and eggs, the Elders proceeded to Pres. Booth's home, where we p[er]formed a service project. We poured a patio, constructed a fence, and prepared the backyard fo[r] planting. Upon returning to the quad, everyone enjoyed a waterfight that even the rain was unable to halt."
For anyone unfamiliar with Y Days (as I was until I heard about it for the first time this year), Y Days was established in 1906, over 100 years ago! They began when they Y (In Provo, UT) was built and whitewashed for the first time. Year after year the students, faculty, and staff would trek to the Y and whitewash it again to show their loyaly to Brigham Young University. In 1957 Y Days morphed to become so much more than just whitewashing a letter on a hill. Members of the BYU community were encouraged to serve in their communities, building things, cleaning local parks, helping the widows--and Y Days are still here today! What an amazing opportunity to serve and be part of such a great legacy of service and love! I was touched by the tradition because there are so few traditions which I practice in my life, and something inside of me craves to be a part of something more than myself, something that is so special it will stand the test of time. I was touched that in a time when our modern citizens might say the people had so little in material wealth the community continued to build itself up and touch the lives of those around them. They had a sense of unity and love that we often lack in today's world. I missed the opportunity to participate at the last one because I let myself get distracted, but I will be sure to be involved for the next set!
http://lib.byu.edu/sites/byuhistory/2008/10/15/y-days/
INTRODUCTION
With this blog I hope to have many insights into my soul. I want to think, to teach my head and my heart to work together. I would like to build memories. I don't want to forget the feelings I have had in my life, good or bad, or the things that have happened. I don't want my life to be like the childhood I had--Forgotten. I want to make my life something WORTH remembering. This is not to say that I want to be famous or that I want to be something so big that other's can't help but see it (like Hitler, or the President of the United States, or China, or Japan and it's Technological Advancements), but I want to live worthy of being rememberd well. I want to have experiences that are unique, or the same as others but executed to the best of my abilities. I crave sensations, emotions, passions, joy, infathomable love, and eternity, and to be somebody else's cause for emotion, passion, sensations, joys, infathomable love, and eternity. I want to make a difference in the world that I'm in at the level which I'm at. I do want to improve myself and be the best that I can be, but I also want to remember to utilize the resources which I have. I hope that this blog will help me to explore my heart and soul, and to better understand who I am and who I can be...for what am I without those things..?
**I'm at work right now, and probably should not be writing some long blog at work. Therefore, this will not become a habit, but I feel that when a person has a thought then they should write it down, or at least make a note, process through it, and develop it.. Otherwise it is not worth wasting one's time on the thought in the first place.
MY FIRST ENTRY
I was sitting around thinking, for some reason, about having a Broken Heart (In the Romantic sense). In so many of those forward quizzes the questions is asked, "Ever had a broken heart?". My automatic thought is that everyone's had a broken heart, but I don't feel like I have. I suppose it's because I have so many wonderful memories of the men that have been in my life that all of the bad memories just melt away... If I think back very hard I can honestly say that I have had a SORE heart (like the kind of sore that comes from working out too hard, but is not a BAD sore; the kind that means you are going to heal back even stronger than you were before), but it has never been broken. I am not one to be broken.
I think I'm like that in general. I have had weak points in my life and those I have loved in my life have been privy to many of those experiences in my life which have been damaging, but have I really broken? I've appeared broken, I know... but I feel like I have seen so many broken hearts and broken people in my life that I feel I can hardly call myself broken, or say that I have been so, no matter how badly things may have seemed or felt at the time... Like teenage angst vs. suicide. Many teenagers (though not all) tend to seem as though they have some sort of increased 'angst' or something to that nature. They are more dramatic, are depressed, or they think that the world revolves around them, or they don't fit in or belong.... Not all of these necessarily apply, nor does this mean that other descriptions do not apply which I have not mentioned... but there is often something. I could have taken what happened and became who I am today--let it make me better, or it could let it change me in some way, ANY way--or I could let it break me. Breaking doesn't need to mean suicide, but to me it means a breakdown or irreparable damage to something...Or maybe it can even be fixed, but it will never be the same again. I don't necessarily think that change means that you have been broken. Change is natural. A broken heart doesn't need to be. Why do we, why do I, tend to think that things breaking is something that is automatically going to be a part of life? The me that is writing this now feels that being broken doesn't need to be part of life. Change is necessary, love, heartache tend to be a part of life... but being broken? I am so greatful to those in my life who have allowed me to come to my own personal conclusion that I don't need to be broken to Love, to move on, to grow, and to care. Broken is NOT to the Heart as Light is to the Sun.
I want to make sure that I help others by being the person in their life that helps them to be steady. More like the glue that was used to make your mother's the lamp rather than the glue that was used afterwards because you threw a baseball into it. If another person has been broken in the past I am more than happy to be the glue that puts them back together, but I'd just as soon not be the one who breaks them in the first place. I hope that I have not been the one to break another's heart... But one of the things I have never been good at it the past is gauging breaking points. I feel like I've loved others but not always good enough. The only regrets I have in life are hurting those that I have and do love. Any other mistakes are secondary and help you grow... but if you don't know you're making a mistake or doing something wrong close to the event which was occurring improperly, it doesn't help that moment much, does it? You can't always undo what you have done to other people, but you can change what you do to others in the present and the future, and you can change what you do to yourself.
This brings me to the end of my babblings for my first official Non-networking site blog. Pretty ambitious, I suppose... but I don't expect it to make a lot of sense to others, especially those who have a different viewpoint on life than I do, and I don't expect myself to agree with it in the future. I'm all for changing viewpoints if new evidence presents itself, but I hope that this viewpoint sticks around with me for the long haul. I like to think that life does not require a broken heart, but that the way I think and feel is navigated, guided, and guarded well by the best person to navigate my heart and soul: Myself, and my Father in Heaven. I also like to think that my Husband can help me along pretty well, but in the end it is always my decision to make--whether or not I break.
