I was watching the pilot of a CW show called "Emily Owens, MD" over the weekend. Emily is doing her time as an underling (resident) in a big city medical center. The show starts off talking about how she was always the nerdy, awkward one growing up. She was geeky and often picked on. She looked forward to growing up, becoming an adult that no longer has the pains and insecurities of youth. However, she has now realized something that the "grown-ups" don't tell you when growing up: those insecurities don't just melt away or disappear. They follow you.
For me, that's true. I know who I am and how other people see me, but that has never changed the weight of my fears and the self-magnification of my short-comings. I have had to fight myself for the inches of growth and understanding I have gained over the years, and I have been blessed to have friends who have always loved and supported me, even when I felt (or was!) undeserving, ready to jump up and bolster my self-worth at any time. (Thank you, by the way!)
As a young person, I was never the 'ideal' image of a woman. On one hand, I had great skin. On the other, I was short, shapeless, hyper, and somewhat lacking in social skills. And do you know what? I'm still all those things, though about 25 lbs. heavier and minus the great skin thing. (Good thing I started out on the small side..^^V)
It's kind of interesting how carrying many of my insecurities into adulthood, combined with some not so positive physical changes, has had an impact on my self image. As an adult who has worked hard to change her own perception of herself, and has grown a great deal over the years (though not quite enough, at times), I recognized, quite suddenly, that I have somehow learned that my flaws do not define who I am. Through trying to cope with some pretty stubborn (and still present) acne, I have gained confidence in myself. I am not my poor skin. Realizing that I have put on far too much weight for me to feel quite comfortable in my own skin has helped me to see that, no, I am not exactly what I want to be-but that doesn't need to mean giving up or giving in to those heavy old doubts that tend to follow me around. I am not defined by any one thing. I am what I do and who I love. I am what I give my heart and my passions to. My imperfections are a part of me, but they do not define me. I hope that somehow I can teach my little girl that truth, so that she can grow up stronger and better, and more sure than her mother was able to. I am proud to be a woman who is stronger than she once was that she might be the mother she needs to be: one that is, little by little, trying to become more gracious, more understanding, and more useful as she interacts with the world around her.
1. I trust people more quickly than I used to, but at the back of my mind there is always the hope that my trust has not been misplaced. It's really sappy, but I dearly want to view the whole world as a beautiful place and to have utter faith in people and their intentions. So far, so good, but... *nagging fear out to play*
2. I always doubt myself, but secretly realize it doesn't matter all that much since people seem to have misplaced their faith and placed it in me and that has hardly changed throughout my life. However, sometimes I attempt to throw around the appearance of confidence because it tricks people into feeling at ease around me.
3. I'm torn between finally having the desire to add to my family and the desire to work hard and be the most physically fit version of me there's ever been. That just goes to prove that I really am a selfish person. I'm okay with the conflict. That proves it again.
4. I'm don't think I'm a natural nurturer like many of my female counterparts. I believe I would be okay with it if I worked for a living and Zach was a stay-at-home dad. My kids may never have the best baked goods or home cooked meals, or the cleanest living environment. They'll have cute clothes, because I'll learn to sew before I have any children. On the flip side, I wouldn't mind if HE worked for a living and I went out and did performances, took dance classes, and made floral arrangements and crafts all day.
5. I'm not so secretly jealous of and frustrated with people who can attempt anything and be fabulous at it instantaneously but choose to do nothing. I begrudgingly realize that I am happier when I achieve something with hard work, but I almost always wish at least SOMETHING felt like it came easily to me.
6. I hope that my future children (adopted, foster, extended, or biological, however it turns out) take after Zach with his ability to work both hard and excel in his studies. I also truly hope that as I'm teaching them the good habits that I should have that they don't find any of my old report cards. Except for the one from 5th grade where I nearly got all A's. I do not excel in college courses.
7. I've always had a weakness for bad/inappropriate music. I'm not much of a role model. So sue me. It's the small bit of edginess that I maintain. I try to be good. Sometimes. (As long as I don't pass this along to my faux child we'll be okay, right? X_x Yeah, I know... monkey see, monkey do, set a good example, etc., etc.)
8. I find that it is easier to make myself think I'm happy in life if I keep myself oblivious to the negative things that surround me. I realize this is false happiness, but sometimes I like being oblivious anyway. Sometimes I wish I could see myself how others see me, for better or for worse, but then I think that I probably don't really want to know.
9. I have an awful memory. Sometimes I wonder what I've really done in my life and how I met some of the people that I'm now friends with because I don't remember. My husband's lucky I actually remember how we met. Lame, right?
10. I need to learn to let go of my hang-ups in life. Otherwise I will never reach my true potential. Whatever that really means.
11. I wish I could inspire others instead of needing to be inspired, but that would require stepping out of my comfort zones, and I am NOT a risk-taker, no matter what people might thing about me. I still desperately cling to the hope that my life makes a difference in the world around me.
12. I always want to be more than I am, but I don't know that I've ever been really willing to put in the effort. I try not to complain too much about things like that. People don't want to hear complaints about things nobody can or will change.
13. I think I have somewhat of an addictive personality. If I choose it I can listen to the same song 10 times in a row and not get sick of it. If I really want to learn something I'll do it over and over again until whoever's helping me learn gets sick of me. I sometimes make a meal that Zach's not in the mood for so I will happily eat it for every meal that I am home (and sometimes for lunches if I'm not too lazy to pack it) for several weeks. I'm currently addicted to the song "A Drop In The Ocean" by Ron Pope because of an amazing dance I saw at the BYU Ballroom Concert a few weekends ago.
14. I once left spaghetti in a Tupperware container in the bathroom on a summer day. It was the last of the spaghetti and I really didn't want it to go to waste so I ate it when I got home from school. For anyone who knew me during my formative college years they know I usually left the house between 0600-0700 in the morning and didn't get home until 1900-2300. It was delicious, and I never became ill. I'm no longer as paranoid about germs and illness as I used to be.
15. As much as I complain about being short, I don't often REALLY wish I were taller. I've had many benefits throughout life because of my size, including but not limited to: Protective friends, not having to duck under tree branches, more allowances by others despite my eccentricities, being carried around when I'm tired or ill, and being able to save money by shopping in the children's section of various establishments. I wouldn't trade those things for a few more inches, especially now that I'm learning to use my sewing machine and will have the ability to make clothing that actually fits me top to bottom without altering things.
16. I wish that I were more quick-witted, but also more kind. I don't think the two always go together, though.
17. I'm way too serious when I should be happy or playful and make jokes when matters are serious. I'm sure this annoys and throws people off. I probably should, but I don't actually plan on ever changing this personality feature.
18. I want to learn to paint but I'm too much of a cheapskate to purchase the supplies to do so.
19. I often become impatient people when I shouldn't, because I'm really very slow when it comes to getting things done.
20. I am afraid of everything. It's amazing I ever really accomplish anything in life. Thank goodness for awesome friends who keep me moving!
21. I'm kind of a massage whore. Well, not really, but in my younger days I would definitely mooch massages from people. Don't judge me, 'kay? I just have a lot of muscular tension because I'm too uptight and I think self-massage is ridiculously ineffective at times. That's definitely it.
22. I don't know if I ever sufficiently repay the kindness of others. The people in my life now and who have been in my life have been more than I deserve. Thanks! If you're reading this, it means you're one of those amazing people who's cared about me enough to touch my life (though maybe not via a massage ^_~)!
23. Once someone has been in my life they are always a part of me. Relationships change, and I may ask 20 times before I remember where someone works or how may siblings they have, but I never forget those who have changed me or helped me to grow.
24. I love to dance in the rain, but Utah has pretty cold rain. Also, I'm getting older and am now afraid of getting sick. How silly. Few things have the power to inspire or cause fear than a good storm.
25. I have an obnoxious sneeze. I like it when people have cute sneezes. However, when I've tried to sneeze less dreadfully it just hurts, so I don't care about trying to subdue my sneezes anymore. Isn't it amazing that I care about something so trivial but am too lazy to REALLY give my work desk a good cleaning?
26. I feel guilty when I throw away the paper sacks you food comes in when you go to a fast food restaurant.
27. One of my favorite things is when we have coloring contests at work and I get to give out candy. I like making small things happy. I mean, making cute little children happy.
28. I am overly sentimental and I cry far too often than is seemly for a non-pregnant adult female.
29. I'm always a bit surprised when I say something Khreepy and someone is shocked by it. Khreepy Khristine, remember? How long have some of you people known me? ^_~
In an effort to boost my creativity I decided I needed to remember WHY it is that I create. It's difficult for me to find inspiration when I don't even remember why I'm looking for it.
So why do I write? In the past it has been to find a way to connect with others and to understand the world around me. I think that now it is also a way to understand myself and connect to the the world around world around me, rather than simply understand it. Words are a way for me to think through things acend to find passion in life.
Why do I dance? When I dance it's creating somet.hing out of nothing. You don't need paper, you don't need a pen. You don't even need a written or spoken language. Music is nice, but not required. All you really need to dance, on the most basic level, is you and how you feel.
Why create at all? Well, everyone wants to leave their mark on the world even if it seems insignificant. I'm no different. Creating validates our lives and draws us closer to God. Without the ability to create we also lack the opportunity to make the world our own and to see the actualization of our passions, our hopes, and our dreams. It gives purpose to learning and to going about our daily lives. It is a way to become more perfect.
I've been trying hard to utilize, enjoy, and expand upon my creative outlets. I made my first skirt yesterday and have jotted down a few blips of poetry. I have one final this semester and it is comprised of dancing the rumba. How fun is that? It's taken me the whole semester, but I'm finally relaxed and having fun! I have one paper to write. It will be a short paper on the dance concert I watched for class. I will enjoy analyzing the performances and putting my thoughts into words. I will have the chance to write and know there is someone listening.
After years of being a far better singer than I was a dancer, I think I'm losing it. My ability with words seems to be just within my grasp sometimes, but usually I'm reaching out toward a black hole of creativity: Things appear before me and then get sucked from my mind, never to be seen again. The days of singing life away and an easy and effortless flow of thoughts and words have ceased--the well has run dry. Time to start digging, I guess. :) On the other side of the scale, I have movement. I'm not as hyper as I once was, but the more I dance and work out the more all I want is to be outdoors, on stage, or just... on the go! I love to feel energized, and sitting still makes me crazy! I still want my words back, though. I miss communicating through words and poetry. But hey, I'm learning to sew... so that's something, I think. :)
Let's see what the quiz has to say:
Your name says that you are mostly:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Energetic but impatient
Your name also says you are:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Ambitious but stubborn
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Shrewd but overbearing
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Fiery but unbalanced
shrewd
[shrood]
Show IPA
| 1. | Khristine | |
| Khristine is the most spectacular person ever. It must have hurt god when he created her and had to let her go in the world. Khristine: Gracefullnesss, Awesomenesss, Gorgeousnesss. Nuff Saidd. Khristine: SEX | ||
| 1. | Gilson | |
| One who is encouraging, uplifting, edifying. To bolster. I was super bummed, but I got gilsoned. | ||
So I guess I'm okay with these definitions. I definitely wouldn't mind being the most spectacular person ever, gracefully able to uplift and edify. I have something to look forward to in life :-=
I don't know if I've ever shared this thought before, but on my walk today (Subway for lunch. Wahoo!) I was thinking about that topic of what people think of me. Not specifically me, but how I've heard other people say, "I don't care what people think of me," or "You shouldn't care what other people think about you." The fact of the matter is, the impression others have of you is what gets you a certain type of job (or a job period), a loan, a babysitter, friends... So while what other people think of you should not make or break who you are, it should matter somewhere inside of you. It should not matter because what other people think matters, it should matter because you want who you are to say something. Who you are should be communicable to other people. If you want your employer to give you responsibilities or praise for you character and good work, you should have character and work well.
I care about having people think well of me, be even more so I care about being the kind of person that others can think well of and that deserves the high opinions of others. It's amazing how complex the human facade is. Some people think that what we want and believe, or have faith in, if you will, is what makes us who we are. Others think that it is what we do. Others believe it is how we look. We are a compilation of so many factors! The kind of name we make for ourselves in this world is predicated on the deeds we do, the things we say, how we present ourselves, our own effort and diligence, as well as our faith and knowing who we want to be Without having an understanding of who I want to be it will be difficult for me to ever get there. If I can't portray who I want to be it will be harder for others to see my potential and help me get to where I want to be. There are so many good people in the world just waiting to be allowed to help people achieve their goals and make something of themselves. If we don't let them see who we are because we are too stubborn to believe that it matters what people think of us, then we will never fully develop into beings that can control our impact on the world around us.
We'll it's time to close before this turns into the same ol' self-reflective droning that doesn't actually accomplish anything. It's time to go put words to action. Right after lunch. :)
Hey, there! I don't normally do fluff posts, and wandered towards my LiveJournal and found this randomly populating thing that I did once upon a time and thought I'd post it here for kicks. Maybe trying to change my overly serious image? ^_~
Your name is... Khristine
Your kiss is... erotic
Your hugs are... warm
Your eyes... sparkle like the stars
Your touch is... irresistable
Your smell is... refreshing
Your smile is... encouraging
Your love is... everlasting
I hope I have the passion I once had to make these things be true. I'm outtie!
