Falling Stars

I was watching the pilot of a CW show called "Emily Owens, MD" over the weekend. Emily is doing her time as an underling (resident) in a big city medical center. The show starts off talking about how she was always the nerdy, awkward one growing up. She was geeky and often picked on. She looked forward to growing up, becoming an adult that no longer has the pains and insecurities of youth. However, she has now realized something that the "grown-ups" don't tell you when growing up:  those insecurities don't just melt away or disappear. They follow you.

For me, that's true. I know who I am and how other people see me, but that has never changed the weight of my fears and the self-magnification of my short-comings. I have had to fight myself for the inches of growth and understanding I have gained over the years, and I have been blessed to have friends who have always loved and supported me, even when I felt (or was!) undeserving, ready to jump up and bolster my self-worth at any time. (Thank you, by the way!)

As a young person, I was never the 'ideal' image of a woman. On one hand, I had great skin. On the other, I was short, shapeless, hyper, and somewhat lacking in social skills. And do you know what? I'm still all those things, though about 25 lbs. heavier and minus the great skin thing. (Good thing I started out on the small side..^^V)

It's kind of interesting how carrying many of my insecurities into adulthood, combined with some not so positive physical changes, has had an impact on my self image. As an adult who has worked hard to change her own perception of herself, and has grown a great deal over the years (though not quite enough, at times), I recognized, quite suddenly, that I have somehow learned that my flaws do not define who I am. Through trying to cope with some pretty stubborn (and still present) acne, I have gained confidence in myself. I am not my poor skin. Realizing that I have put on far too much weight for me to feel quite comfortable in my own skin has helped me to see that, no, I am not exactly what I want to be-but that doesn't need to mean giving up or giving in to those heavy old doubts that tend to follow me around. I am not defined by any one thing. I am what I do and who I love. I am what I give my heart and my passions to. My imperfections are a part of me, but they do not define me. I hope that somehow I can teach my little girl that truth, so that she can grow up stronger and better, and more sure than her mother was able to. I am proud to be a woman who is stronger than she once was that she might be the mother she needs to be:  one that is, little by little, trying to become more gracious, more understanding, and more useful as she interacts with the world around her.

1. This girl either LOVES or HATES music!  I was singing hymns to her on the October 22nd.  This is the first time I'd noticed a reaction.  Her reaction was to kick the heck out of me.  The next day was the Primary program at church.  She proceeded again to pound on me with her humongous feet and sweet little fists for an hour, and every time she heard music after that.  At work the following day she got to hear some different music, stuff like the "Lazy Song", "One Republic", "Keep Your Head Up", and some Michael Buble.  More prodding from the inside out.  I still haven't tried country or classical, but I have come to the conclusion that she is either dancing or begging me to make it stop.  The Sophers really does enjoy music. She likes to dance and clap her hands to the rhythm. She really likes music with a Jack Johnson and Island feel, but she seems okay with pretty much everything except rock...though her father seems to think she likes it when they're driving around. I'm not so sure about it, as I still haven't witnessed her enjoyment of rock.
2. I think she likes being read to by her father.  She seems to squirm around a bit when he reads to her, but not for long and not strongly enough for him to feel her doing it.  Who knows, it might put her to sleep. :)  Sophia sort of liked being read to at the beginning, but didn't really want to sit still for very long. She gets sung to more than she gets read to, but she is starting to be more patient when the books come out. She loves it when I let her take a more sturdy book and look at it on her own, either on my lap or sitting on the floor.
3. Like mother, like daughter:  Chicklet loves food.  She's always excited both before and after mealtimes.  This  little girl is a pig-pig. She often neglects to tell us she is hungry, but the SECOND she sees us preparing her food or eating ourselves, she is screaming until she has some, too! She also eats a lot most of the time. One morning, during Christmastime, she had two rolls, part of a piece of turkey bacon, and had some milk. Then she went to Lola's and had a sweet potato. Thank goodness she doesn't eat like that all the time, or she would be vomiting constantly! She loves bread, by the way, and spaghetti, like her mom! I wonder how it is that she stays so skinny that the Dr. is often worried about her... :P Well, the little rascal just doesn't sit still!

1. Chicklet seems to get mad when mommy doesn't feed her on time.  For example, she doesn't get hyperafter lunch, she gets hyper before.  I think she knows that she needs to ask for food or mommy may forget to feed her :-=. Yep, mad. Hornet's nest mad. However, she forgets to ask mommy for food all the time then gets mad the food is not already in her stomach. Just like mom.
2. This little one flips out when I use automatic hand dryers.  Every time.  She calms down pretty much immediately after it stops or I walk away from it.  Strangely the hair dryer does not seem to bother her. I still haven't had a chance to try her on an automatic hand dryer. She doesn't wake up when I use a hair dryer, though. However, she's pretty darn afraid of the vacuum cleaner, even if I'm holding her...but it doesn't wake her when she's sleeping. Weird.
3. She's not a fan of my work.  This is merely because I slouch sometimes and she does not enjoy being squished.  When she gets squished she kicks me straight away and stops when I sit back up. She actually loves to visit mommy at work, though it's been a while. On the other hand, being snuggled often, though on rare occasions she likes it, makes her angry. Outside of the womb, she associates snuggling with being put to bed, and she is not a fan of bedtime. All she wants to do is stay up and play with mommy, daddy, and the dogs. When she is the most excited and happy is is usually bedtime, because she gets her "second wind" if not put to bed in time.
4. I don't think Chicklet likes Waltz or West-Coast Swing.  She was silent while learning the Cha-cha, but  I'm not sure she enjoys the rise and fall of Waltz or the spinning in West-Coast.  She's been kicking a lot the past few weeks.  She seems okay with Tango so far.  I kind of feel bad for her, though, because about about 25 weeks 5 days along, she apparently has a sense of equilibrium.  I can see why she'd hate Waltz--I'm SO off balance with it!  Sophia likes to waltz a bit more now. There have been times where I've used it to calm her or put her to sleep. She likes to bounce, though, so I'm pretty sure she'd still like the cha-cha better. She's cool with mosh-pit style dancing. :)

Sometimes, when I am annoyed at how some people always call my direct line for help at work instead of the main line, I remind myself that I am grateful that they feel comfortable enough to call me and not somebody else. It lets me know that, while I am not perfect, I have done enough good for someone that they believe calling me will have their needs met.

When I am annoyed that I had to clean the microwave splatter that I created, I remind myself that someone provided a microwave for me at work so that I can have my nutritional needs fulfilled without travel. I remind myself that I have food on hand, and that I have a means to cook it easily and quickly.

When there is a car in front of me with it's wheels caked in ice so that it is having trouble moving, it is easy to complain. However, today I got out of my car, with the girl who rides with me to work, and we pushed instead of getting mad. When there is a situation that is not preferable, I need to recall that sometimes all it takes is a little push to get the world moving in the right direction again.