Falling Stars

...life just seems to run away with me. (**Warning: The following is all just babbled helter-skelter onto the page. I'm probably not going to go back and read it or edit it, so it may make NO SENSE. You are now officially forewarned.) I never seem to do all of the things I want to do, or be who I should be. I think the thing I tend to forget the most is that people matter. It's not that I think they're unimportant, but I don't always remember them when I should. I am NOT the best friend in the world. I never have been and probably never will, but I hope there's something I can do to at least become better at it. I don't have a lot of time to spend doing things, and that's hard. For most people that is the thing that shows them the most that someone cares--time, hanging out, etc. I don't know how to effectively participate in the lives of those I care for. Heaven knows Facebook has helped me with that--it tells us when birthdays are happening, notifies us of someone's status change (if someone's willing to share how they are enough that they put it on Facebook in the first place), helps us know more about each other... But it's not enough. I need more, and I know others do, too.

I feel like I have not done a very good job in the past of showing or telling people how much I appreciate them, the things they do for me, or the things they let me do for myself. Am I so lame that I am going to have to set a goal, "Every 1st & 3rd Monday, message someone on your Friend's List that you haven't contacted in a while."?? I don't know what my problem is! Part of it all comes back to the fact that I don't know in the moment that I'm doing something that sucks, saying something offensive, missing time with those that I love... The list goes on. I worry about still being like this when the time comes to have children. I don't want to be one of those parents that always has something more important, or has their priorities skewed. God & making sure you are healthy and joyful aside, the people in your life are the most important things in your life!!!

I don't know what I'll do if the time ever comes that I feel I have to work and miss seeing my family because I think I have to do it to support them. I have NEVER been good at balance in my life, whether it be school vs. work vs. church or even something as basic as eating vs. sleep vs. exercise. Something always ends up having to give. You could probably ask anyone that I've ever known or cared for and they could tell you how screwed up I can be sometimes. I've got to find a way to fix this.

Sometimes I HATE re-evaluating myself because it can be supremely disheartening to remind myself just how much I fall short of being all the things I want to be and that others need me to be. I am that person who needs a reminder that I'm not as far as I think I am. Why should I even need that stupid reminder? I feel like I should just be all the things I want because I've told myself that is the way I should be. It shouldn't be that hard to fix things. Mind over matter, tell yourself and it is. It has worked for some things in my life, why not all? I didn't want to be ticklish and I told myself not to be. For the most part it has worked. Why isn't everything else this easy? Why can't I just say I'll do something and get it done? It's part of being an adult, right? It shouldn't be that difficult... I just want to quit work and school and just focus on the relationships that mean the most, so I don't screw up any more...sometimes. But those are two of the things that help me be the most fulfilled... I'll figure it out eventually... Right? I hope..