Zach & I are currently participating in an utterly hilarious production of Pirates of Penzance. To help out a bit I volunteered to go through the ampitheater after each show and pick up any trash leftover. Now, my overall faith in humanity has beem generally restored because of the fact that I've picked up less than 10 pieces of trash during the show's run. Wahoo! It's been a blast because our theatre friends are like family, and we get to work together with them on a regular basis because of the show. The only bummer is Zach's silly work schedule, so we never get to hang out after shows.
(This post is short and kinda lame because It was a saved draft from 7/20/2010 and I have NO clue what else I wanted to say. Today is really 2/08/2011. The post has a positive outlook on the world so I'm posting it to prove that I am, in fact, perodically optimistic. ^_~)
There's probably something to be said for not looking back. I'm one of those people who finds it easy to dwell on the past and I'm constantly reminding myself that it's over and done with. There is nothing wrong with having a little self-reflection, but come on, do I really need to be afraid or feel guilty about everything? For example, I shouldn't feel the need to worry about the 5 out of 11 couples that we didn't interview for the Community Aide position in my housing complex. They didn't stand out and it's not my fault. We simply don't have time to interview 11 couples, though they may be good, capable people. Part of standing out is knowing how to present yourself. If you can't sell yourself on paper then you may not be as well-rounded as the next candidate who can sell on paper as well as in person. I shouldn't worry about the imperfect things I've done in the past, the people that I may have wronged or offended, and other things I can't fix (face it, My Name is not Earl). I begin wallowing in my imperfections and dwelling on the things I lack, then I get depressed, then I continue to screw up and do more imperfect things--the vicious cycle continues.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to move on. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm not showing any improvement to my personality. I think too much about what is wrong with me and not about what is or could be right with me. It's time to just start doing. I'm sure I say this all the time, but I'm one of those people who needs to re-commit myself to my causes rather frequently. If I don't I just can't keep up with who I need to be. Even then I struggle, but I'll keep telling myself as many times as I need to--get up and do what you need to! A lot of people have problems with being impulsive. As a teenager I'm sure I did things that were impulsive, most of us were probably that way at one point or another... but I was committed to even those endeavors which I made last minute, passionate decisions regarding. I did very little haphazardly, not expecting it to affect the rest of my month, my year, my life... Now I just don't move! I do too much thinking, far more than I use to, and it hasn't benefited me at all!!! "Make wise decisions," "Don't be Sorry, be Responsible," and "Be careful what you wish for..." These are phrases that we hear all the time and I can't somehow wonder if they really aren't meant for me. The more I try to make wise, thorough decisions the less I become, the less I move. What would have happened if I'd believed I could be an opera singer or a ballerina when I was younger and didn't care if I would make money at it? What would have happened if I'd believed in myself instead of wondering what I could do within the parameters that the world and my family had set for me? Nobody will ever know, but if I don't stop thinking about the past and worrying less about the future I might still have a chance to find out. It's time to embrace who I am and start living more in the here and now!
I guess this means I'll be taking some risks from here on out. I mean, if Zach & I want to have a family anytime soon I've got to stop being afraid. If I want to perform I've got to start working hard now and forget my age, forget my failures, move beyond my inabilities, and put myself out there. If I want to be better at my job and have the potential to move up and on then I've got to get my silly desk cleaned off right now! If I want my home to be a safe haven for myself and others I've got to.. well, hire a maid, I guess ^_~! Hey, we've all got to start somewhere.
Today's goal: Clear off the top of my desk! This includes: Census/Walk-through compilation and recording, Final review of CA Weekly Reports, Newsletter, and Filing those Timecard sheets. Guess what?! It's doable! Consider my task complete.
After having called my dog (2 years old in August) a puppy for the past year, I have decided on a new definition for puppy dog. Puppy Dog: [puhp-ee] [dawg, dog] noun: A dog that is technically a dog but is too cute and little to be called a dog. In a sentence: Puppy Dogs are cute. How much is the puppy dog in the window? *woof woof* Tobey is a puppy dog.
Some people are willing to die for their beliefs. I am willing to live for mine. What brought this thought to the surface of my mind? The word Kamikaze. There are extremists in every nation, religion, and political way of thinking and many people feel that the nobler path requires the willing sacrifice of their life, to always be prepared to die for their cause. While this may indeed be noble, the path I choose is to live.
Living can be a struggle. Sometimes it can be scary to stand for what you believe in or do what you know is right. BUT the question I pose is this: If I die for my cause, who will be left to stand for what I believe? If all who share my cause do the same, who will fight for what I know is right? There will be nobody left if we all believe the best path is to die for our cause. While I won't say that it is wrong to die for what one believes I feel it is worthwhile to go beyond dying for your cause. I won't say that a death for one's cause contains no meaning, for that would make the sacrifice in vain, but to live is to continue to grow, to teach, and to share what you believe. Not all men are required to sacrifice their lives. There are other sacrifices to be made. Sometimes Life is the harder choice.
It is interesting to me that service just for the sake of being kind is a rare concept nowadays. We have what I like to call "Free Bread Day" at work. Free Bread Day is a day during the week where a man gets all of the bread from a local grocery store that is still good but cannot be sold and brings it to my office for the tenants that live in the housing complex where I work at. A young woman came into the office today asking about the bread that was on the table just outside and we told her that it was free and she asked why. We explained there was a man who brought the bread everyday and again she questioned why. He doesn't get paid yet he does this every week, just as a man before him did. If he cannot come his wife brings the bread. When she realized that this was a regular occurrence and that bread was brought just because of a kind man a broad smile appeared on her face and she commented on how wonderful it was.
Service for the sake of service, just to be kind and to show love to others. I want my family and friends to be able to experience this through me, and not to question the motives of kindness. As Disney sponsors "Give a Day. Get a Disney Day." I feel even more strongly about this. In some small way I feel like it's not the same service as it would otherwise be. It feels like people are just getting paid to do service which, to me, seems almost like it is not quite service any longer.
Don't get me wrong, I think this exchange is doing and is going to do some great things for the communities in which we live. I do not think Disney should cease their sponsorship of this program. However, I feel sad about the state of the nation when people as a whole need such large motivation to give back just one day to their community. I am not saying that they people who are participating in this program are wrong in doing so or that many are not already people who give back so much to their communities just because they love those around them. I myself would consider participating in this program for its benefits. I am simply saying that I want to show those around me that people that I can be one of those that gives back, or even just gives, because I care and expect nothing in return.
In order to demonstrate that I value service just to serve I in need to be the kind of person who gives expecting nothing. It is a lot to ask of a person, to give and expect nothing. Expecting nothing is more than just not wanting anything in return, it is not expecting someone else to be nice just because you were. It is not expecting someone to change, to stop being mean to you or cruel to others because were kind to them. In my mind, expecting nothing involves hoping that your influence will make a difference in the lives of others but not regretting the service rendered if others do not recognize that difference or change because of that difference. (I would just like to point out the importance of hope. Hope is SO important and it keeps us going when people don't change or we cannot see the difference we have made.)
I believe that sometimes it is ok to perform a function and expect a certain result. For example, a person goes to work expecting that they will receive compensation. I create a monthly newsletter at work expecting people to read and remember the information found within. Companies send invoices to their customers expecting those bills will be paid. I simply want people around me to live in a world where the type of service which I have spoken of is not a rarity and is not a surprise. I want it to be something that they know is real and not just a figment of an idealist mind. I guess I have a lot of changing to do. I am done waiting on the world to change.
I have had a very good bad morning. I left home this morning and remembered my lunch, and my wonderful hubby made me breakfast! I almost never eat breakfast and when I do it's usually too late in the morning that it spoils my lunch, because I'm not hungry when it's time to eat again. I left the house in time to get to work before 8 a.m. and open the office and have everything organized, and the drive over wasn't too bad... until I got to BYU. It was still pretty dark and there were a lot of bicyclists about. The thing with many bicyclists in Provo is that they think they are pedestrians and cars. They think they can drive about like a car but not have to give cars the right of way when it is not safe for them to go, or look where they are going whether or not they have the right of way. It is because of this that my morning went temporarily bad. A guy on a bike signaled and jumped out in front of my car, so I lightly beeped the horn at him. I would like to take the time to point out that I did NOT lay on the horn and that I made the conscious decision not to do so because I think that makes people jumpy and the situation becomes worse. I just wanted him to be aware that he did something that was unsafe for himself and others, because he obviously didn't realize that fact. I ALMOST HIT HIM. He had on a black sweatshirt (in the dark) and was nearly completely covered and had dark hair, and he was biking sans the required head and tail lights. He then proceeded to continuously give me the dirtiest, most incredulous look anyone has ever given me. After I pulled up to the red light (where he had gotten in the turn lane after crossing two lanes of traffic from the bike lane without pause) he was STILL giving me a dirty look. (Can I just say that, if he was going to stop at the red light anyway, he could have used the crosswalk and crossed without having to endanger himself or myself and the other cars that were behind me as I had to hit my brakes suddenly OR the cars in the lane next to me that couldn't see him either except I honked my horn and hit my brakes?) I then did something I have NEVER done, simply because he was still giving me that dirty look. I rolled down my window and (I'm not sure who opened their mouth first, maybe him, maybe me--) and I yelled so he could hear me, "I didn't see you! You can't jump out in front of traffic like that!" His response? "I signaled". (SO glad his face didn't freeze that way. He'd get shot by a gangster who thought he was giving that dirty look to him on purpose, or never get hired in the future because the employer would think that customers might be detoured from their business by his surly nature.) I rolled down my window and (I'm not sure who opened their mouth first, maybe him, maybe me--) and I yelled so he could hear me, "I didn't see you! You can't jump out in front of traffic like that! I didn't know what you were going to do!" His response? "I signaled!." His response when I said, "But you signaled when you were already in the lane!"? "That's why I signaled!" My final response to the non-receptive was, "Whatever" and rolling up the window. No point in wasting any additional breath.
Firstly, I really am glad he signaled because many people do not. HOWEVER, if I can't see a person then the signal doesn't really count, does it? If I am driving and I flip on my signal but the actual signal light is broken I'm still going to get a fix-it ticket, at least. Why? Because the people around me can't tell that I have just signaled. To them, I am just another car staying in one lane. If it is dark outside, I am wearing black, have NO lights on my vehicle, I stick my arm out (covered in black) to signal, I don't wait for a car to moderately halt its progression (a.k.a. show some hint that they've registered my presence in their consciousness), and THEN they hit me, did the signal count? Obviously it had no effect. Yeah, I'd be dead and that would be my consequence, but I would also be at fault for something else. The person who was careful and made an effort to make a safety bubble around them would STILL have killed me, and I would be responsible for them having to have the guilt of my death on their conscience, even though they had done everything in their power to be safe.
Let me just throw the question out there: Is it really that hard to be somewhat safe, to be courteous? If you care about the sanctity of life, you just don't do stuff like that. You don't put yourself at risk and you actually CARE that you could destroy the life of someone else by putting your life at risk. I know there are situations where things happen whether we want them to or not, but if you are intelligent enough to get into BYU, shouldn't you be intelligent to realize that biking in front of a car in the dark when you're wearing dark colors is not a safe practice and might frustrate others? Wouldn't you have more guilt than judgement when you did something to put others at risk?
I actually don't feel wrong in honking because I feel I did it to prevent accidents in the future and prevent current accidents involving the bicyclist and the cars behind me. I probably shouldn't have wasted the time or breath trying to explain why I was frustrated to someone who I could tell would most likely not be receptive. If I could go back I would probably freeze time except for us and calmly explain from a distance why I was upset. At least I wouldn't have yelled. The only guilt I have is for yelling, and possibly causing a disruption to the serenity some of the other drivers might have been experiencing. Not likely in Utah traffic, but still possible. SOME people are more enlightened than others. I cannot claim to be one of those individuals.
After I got to work, I took some time to gather myself. I was EXTREMELY furious at the situation that I could have been placed in. Furious, frustrated, angry... But I decided I'd calm down and then get on with my day. There is NO reason that I have to let someone else ruin my day. I used to be able to get over things really easily. I suppose I'm just becoming more stubborn and less flexible in my "old age" :-=. I'll get back there, though, because I've decided I will. I'm happy to report that my day has been great, aside from that incident. No more rolling down my windows to yell, though. You never know, the next time it could be someone scary with a gun. I definitely DON'T want that.
One last note, kind of amusing to think about for me: I wonder what that guy has been saying about me all day. I'm sure he got where he was going and spouted off a bit, as well. I don't suppose that he's gotten over it, considering the evil look he gave me and the length of time he gave it. Oh, well. Let him ruin his own day. I hope, though, that he'll get over it and maybe figure out why I did what I did. I mean, I wasn't trying to be a jerk, I wasn't being power hungry, and it wasn't because I was in a hurry. I just wanted to be safe.
...to get more joy out of life. I just don't have enough fun, or savor traditions, or get excited about Autumn because it means turkeys and colored leaves, or Christmas because it means tradiditions and family and gingerbread men. Seasons, Holidays, Milestones... they don't have meaning. I didn't have set traditions growing up. Yeah, I had turkey somewhere every Thanksgiving, but aside from that nothing. There's nothing special there. I'm sick of disorder because all it means is that I focus on a mess, focus on cleaning, focus on muddling through it. I'm sick of drowning. I want more! I just want to live.
